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1 Dance, Monkeys, Dance -- By Ernest Cline
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5 % ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6
7 ```
8 Orbiting the sun at about 98 million miles
9 is a little blue planet
10 and this planet is run
11 by a bunch of monkeys.
12
13 Now, the monkeys don't think of
14 themselves as monkeys.
15 They don't even think of themselves as animals
16 And they love to list all the things
17 that they think
18 separate them from the animals:
19 Opposable thumbs, self awareness . . .
20 They'll use words like
21 Homo Erectus and Australopithecus.
22
23 You say Toe-mate-o,
24 I say Toe-motto.
25 They're animals all right.
26 They're monkeys.
27 Monkeys with high-speed digital fiber optic technology,
28 but monkeys nevertheless.
29
30 I mean, they're clever.
31 You've got to give them that.
32 The Pyramids, skyscrapers, phantom jets,
33 the Great Wall of China.
34 That's some pretty impressive shit . . .
35 for a bunch of monkeys.
36
37 Monkeys whose brains have evolved
38 to such an unmanageable size
39 that it's now pretty much impossible
40 for them stay happy for any length of time
41
42 In fact, they're the only animals
43 that think they're supposed to be happy.
44 All of the other animals can just be.
45
46 But it's not that simple for the monkeys.
47
48 You see, the monkeys are cursed with consciousness
49 and so the monkeys are afraid.
50 So the monkeys worry.
51 The monkeys worry about everything,
52 but mostly about what all the other monkeys think.
53 Because the monkeys desperately want to fit in
54 with the other monkeys.
55
56 Which is hard to do,
57 because a lot of the monkeys seem to hate each other.
58 This is what really separates them from the other animals.
59 These monkeys hate.
60 They hate monkeys that are different.
61 Monkeys from different places,
62 monkeys who are a different color-
63
64 You see, the monkeys feel alone.
65 All six billion of them.
66
67 Some of the monkeys pay another monkey
68 to listen to their problems.
69
70 Because the monkeys want answers
71 and the monkeys don't want to die.
72 So the monkeys make up gods
73 and then they worship them.
74 Then the monkeys argue
75 over whose made-up god is better.
76 Then the monkeys get really pissed off
77 and this is usually when the monkeys decide
78 that it's a good time to start killing each other.
79
80 So the monkeys wage war.
81 The monkeys make hydrogen bombs.
82 The monkeys have got their whole fucking planet
83 wired up to explode.
84 The monkeys just can't help it.
85
86 Some of the monkeys play to a sold out crowd . . .
87 of other monkeys.
88
89 The monkeys make trophies
90 and then they give them to each other.
91 Like it means something.
92
93 Some of the monkeys think
94 that they have it all worked out.
95 Some of the monkeys read Nietzsche
96 The monkeys argue about Nietzsche
97 without giving any consideration to the fact
98 that Nietzsche
99 was just another fucking monkey.
100
101 The monkeys make plans.
102 The monkeys fall in love.
103 The monkeys fuck
104 and then they make more monkeys.
105
106 The monkeys make music
107 and then the monkeys DANCE
108 Dance, monkeys, dance.
109
110 The monkeys make a hell of a lot of noise.
111 Exhibit A
112 Monkey making noise.
113 And when he's done,
114 five other randomly selected monkeys
115 will rate this monkey's noises
116 on a scale from one to ten.
117 And at the end of the night,
118 they add all the numbers up
119 to see which monkey made the best noises.
120
121 As you can see . . .
122 these are some fucked up monkeys.
123
124 These monkeys are at once the ugliest
125 and most beautiful creatures on the planet.
126
127 And the monkeys don't want to be monkeys.
128 They want to be something else.
129 But they're not.
130 ```
131
132 [Back to "Dance, Monkeys, Dance" dance_monkeys.html]